


Rain, Rain, Go Away

by angvlicmish



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Near suicide attempt, fight, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:58:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7972660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angvlicmish/pseuds/angvlicmish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/Evangeline74/pseuds/Evangeline74">Evangeline74</a> asked: Cas and Dean are in love but when they’re caught by Cas’ mother Naomi she accuses Dean of rape and lands him in jail. When he is let out for insufficient evidence a few years later he has trouble adjusting and finding work. He leaves town and goes under several different alias to try and start a new life. Cas is determined to find him to apologise and when he does find Dean he continues to pursue him even though Dean is still mad at Cas for not standing up for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rain, Rain, Go Away

**Author's Note:**

> I changed it slightly so the story worked out better, sorry. And also sorry if this is darker than what you wanted but I just don’t think Dean would have forgiven him so easily. If I had more time I would have written so much more, so sorry about that.
> 
> Warning: Near suicide attempt, mentions of depression and self harm

Castiel leans against the brick wall next to the entrance of the bar. Dean had gone inside nearly an hour ago. Castiel thought it was better to wait until he leaves instead of confronting him inside where there are so many other people. Last time he did that it had not gone well.

A drop lands on Castiel’s nose and as he looks up towards the sky he realises it’s starting to rain. Castiel hates rain. Not only because his sleeping bag becomes sopping wet and he can’t sleep for the rest of that night but because it reminds him of that one night. 

The night Dean was taken from him.

Dean pushes Castiel softly up against his own bedroom wall. Dean then grabs Castiel’s hands and holds them together behind his back. Castiel huffs.

“Oh, Dean. I’m so scared. Whatever will you do to me?” he speaks sarcastically, pulling a chuckle out of his boyfriend. Dean gets even closer, his front pressed flat against Castiel’s back.

“Oh you should be scared of me, Cas. I’ll have you begging for it in a matter of minutes.” Dean whispers seductively against his ear, before moving his lips to place an open mouthed kiss on the side of his neck. 

Castiel bites his lip, trying his hardest to stay quiet. “Dean, we have to finish our assignment. I promise once we finish then we can get out of here and you can have me then.” Castiel whines, as Dean slips the hand, that isn’t holding Castiel’s wrist together, down the back of his pants to grab at his ass.

Castiel can’t help but buck back against Dean, and Castiel doesn’t even have to look to know that Dean’s smirking. He knows he’s lost this one.

“Fine, Dean. You win. But can we please not do this here. I don’t want us to get caught.” Cas whispers, biting his lip soon after as Dean’s finger brushes in between his ass cheeks.

“C’mon, Cas. I’ll be quick I swear. And then we can get straight back to finishing the project.” Dean says, moving his lips to drag his teeth over Castiel’s earlobe. 

Castiel doesn’t catch himself in time and lets out a small moan. Neither of them here the door click open.

“Dean, please. Get off. I can’t do - ”

“Don’t worry about it, Cas. It’ll be fine. I promise I’ll be good to you.” Dean whispers, his fingers massaging his ass and consequently making Castiel grunt and buck back against his hand.

Suddenly the door to the bar swings open, snapping Castiel out of his trance. He can’t remember much after that. All he can remember is his mother’s screams, and the way he froze not being able to say a word. He remembers hearing sirens and he remembers Dean calling out his name over and over as he was hauled into a police car. And it was raining. 

He’ll never forgive himself for what he did. Or more correctly - the lack of what he did. Because that’s what happened. Castiel didn’t do anything. He was young and he was scared. And his mother threatened to kick him out of the house if he at all tried to defend Dean. 

But that was two years ago. And he needs to to try and make it up to Dean. Because Dean is all he has left. 

Ten minutes pass when suddenly the door to the bar swings open again. And finally, there is Dean. Castiel is pushing off the wall in an instant and walking over to Dean who is heading in the other direction.

“Dean!” Castiel calls to alert him of his presence. Dean whips around at the sound of his name, his eyes going wide and his jaw dropping when he sees Castiel.

“What the fuck, Cas? You fucking stalking me now?” Dean shouts, alerting a few pedestrians walking in and out of the bar. Embarrassment and humiliation crawls up Castiel’s spine, so he raises his hands gently and steps closer to try and get Dean to quiet down.

“Dean, please I -”

“No! How did you find me? I get it, the first three times you stalked me, at least was in Sioux Falls, where you know Bobby lives but Nebraska? I know I told you about the Roadhouse but I swear I never told you where it was.” Dean says, his voice hard and his fists curling at his sides. 

Castiel balks, not knowing whether he should tell Dean the truth or if that will just make him angrier. He decides to play it safe.

“Dean, please. I just never got to say what I wanted to. If you’ll just give me a chance, I swear -”

“You’ll what? Huh?” Dean asks, moving further into Castiel’s space. “You’ll treat me, right? You won’t make the same mistake?”

Castiel can’t speak. There is something lodged in his throat and he feels like he’s choking on it. Because Dean is towering above him, his jaw clenched and looking like he’s about one word away from clocking him in the face and Castiel is scared.

“What was it you never got to say? That you’re sorry. That you were young and scared and you didn’t know what to do. Is that it? That you felt guilty every day of your life but if I give you one more chance you’ll make it up to me. Hmm?” Dean’s seething now, his eyes dark and full of so much anger.

“Because newsflash, Cas! You can’t erase the past! You can’t take back what you did!” A hysterical bubble of laughter spills from Dean’s lips and Castiel wants to run away. “Or should I say what you didn’t do? Yeah, I think I should. Because I got two fucking long years in prison all because you couldn’t stand up to your fucking mother!” 

Castiel nearly misses the way Dean’s voice cracks. But he doesn’t. And all of the pain and guilt comes back in a burst, rushing through him and he feels like his chest is going to split open. Dean’s eyes turn soft as if all the energy has been drained from him. Castiel squeezes his own shut and clenches his hands, willing them to stop shaking.

When Castiel opens his eyes back up, Dean is shaking his head and there is a drop of water sliding its way down his cheek and Castiel knows that it isn’t rain.

“Dean, please. I know I can’t take it back but I’m begging you. Just hear me out. Let me tell you how sorry I am.”

Dean doesn’t respond. Castiel’s voice is trembling and his heart is beating wildly in his chest. But this is it. His last chance.

Castiel steps forward and as carefully as he can, raises his hand to touch the side of Dean’s arm.

Dean pulls back as if burnt and Castiel knows that all is lost.

Dean’s eyes bore into him and he steps forward, all the way into Castiel’s personal space, before speaking.

“Don’t ever try to look for me again or I swear I’ll make you regret it.” 

And then Dean is gone.

Castiel sinks to the ground and his whole being knows that this is over. Anything Castiel could have hoped for is gone. But Castiel doesn’t feel like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. Castiel doesn’t feels his fingers shake or his lips tremble and it’s only when the rain finally stops that Castiel realises he has tears on his face.

Because in this very moment, Castiel feels nothing.

He picks himself off of the ground for what will be the last time and his feet carry him all the way to his end.

\---

Dean can’t sleep. His thoughts won’t stop pestering him. And not just any thoughts. Thoughts about Cas. 

Dean doesn’t know how many nights he slept in a prison cell before he knew that Cas wasn’t coming to save him. And it hurt so much. Because he had hope. And everyday it would become less and less until he had no hope at all.

And what was worse was he’d still have dreams. Because the world was too cruel to just let Dean forget about him. Dreams of Cas smiling and of Dean holding him in his arms. He would wake up with fresh tears streaming down his face and a pain so deep in his chest that he just wanted to rip out his heart and throw it away. Luckily though, they only came when he was secluded in the dark on his mattress.

But the others were worse. The ones where he would dream of Cas’ lips and his long fingers and sharp hipbones. After those ones he would wake up so hard that he couldn’t calm down and he’d have to bite his lip and silently jerk off to more images of Cas’ in his head. Always another reminder of the one he had lost. Of the one that had let him down. 

Dean jumps out of bed, pulling on some jeans and a hoodie. He jogs down the stairs walking over to find his boots and pulls them on.

"Where are you going?” 

Dean swivels around quickly, raising his fists instinctively.

“Oh, shit. Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, Dean.” Sam says, his eyes wide in alarm.

Dean takes a deep breath. “No, that’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” Sam nods and it sure as hell looks like there’s pity in his eyes. But before Dean can say anything, Sam speaks again.

“So, where are you going?”

“Just going for a walk. I need to clear my head.”

Sam nods again and Dean eyes him suspiciously.

“Can’t stop thinking about Cas?”

Dean’s eyes go wide. He’s never told Sam about that. “Why would you say that?”

Sam quickly looks away and scratches at the back of his neck. “Uh, no reason. Just a lucky guess.” Sam says, clearing his throat awkwardly.

Dean’s mind races. “You know that Cas is in town don’t you.” 

And it’s not a question because Dean already knows the answer. Sam starts but Dean is quick to cut him off.

“You’re the one who told Cas where to find me.” Dean says, jabbing an accusatory finger in Sam’s direction.

His younger brother opens his mouth to object but nothing comes out.

“For Christ’s sake, Sam! Why the fuck would you do that?” Dean asks, everything becoming more confusing by the second. Sam sighs and a certain sadness washes over his face. It doesn’t sit well in Dean’s gut.

“Dean. Look, I’m sorry. Back when you were convicted I was ready to haul out Bobby’s shotgun and shoot him myself but...” Dean waits patiently having absolutely no clue as to where this might be going. “A while ago I ran into him again. He’d actually travelled all the way to Sioux Falls just to see you. And...Dean he’s just been through so much and I know how sorry he is, so I just wanted to give him-”

“Fuck that, Sam. Just because he’s been through so much, you think he deserves another chance? What about me? Why don’t you think about how much I’ve been through?” Dean asks, shaking his head and turning to head out the door.

“Dean, just let me fin-”

The door is slammed behind him and Dean walks off down the street. It’s only after Dean calms down that he realises how cold it is. The grass beside the path is damp. It’d been raining on and off all day.

Dean veers left and decides that he’ll head for the bridge. No one will be there this late and it’s a place that Dean’s been going to a lot since they moved here. He finds the sound of the rushing water below the bridge...somehow very relaxing.

Dean finally reaches it and when he looks up he notices that there is somebody already halfway across the bridge. Dean huffs. He isn’t one for sharing. But if the person was here first then Dean shouldn’t be complaining. 

It’s only when Dean ventures closer towards the middle of the bridge that he realises the person - no, man - is not standing on the bridge but on the outside of it, his arms clinging tight to the railing.

Dean stops in his tracks. Oh, shit. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s never had to deal with a situation like this before. But then the man must notice him because he turns his head and catches Dean’s eye. 

Dean’s heart stops. It’s Cas.

Suddenly Dean’s feet are moving underneath him and he’s walking quickly towards where Cas is still clinging tightly to the rail. When he finally reaches only a few metres away he stops. Cas continues to watch him silently and it’s only from this close that Dean can see the look of fear in his eyes.

“Cas, why don’t you - ah - step back over this side and we can have a - have a chat. Yeah? Sound good?” Dean’s voice is small, only loud enough to reach Cas’ ears.

“Why are you here?” Cas asks, and his voice is trembling. “It was going to end. I was ready. But now you’re here. Why did you have to come here?” 

“I - I - I didn’t...mean to. I was just going for a walk...but that doesn’t matter because I’m here now and if you get back over this side of the bridge then you can talk to me. You can finally tell me what you wanted to say. So, c’mon. Just hop back over.” Dean says, taking a tiny step towards Cas. 

Dean’s hands are shaking and his heart is beating erratically in his chest and shit, he doesn’t know how to do this. He doesn’t know what to say, But what he does know is that he’s not going to let Cas die. He's not gonna let that happen.

“Why should I?” 

Cas’ question is like a slap in the face and Dean can’t formulate any words.

“You didn’t give me a chance before. Why now?” Cas asks, and his eyes are still scared but they don’t seem to have any hope left in them. And Dean knows that it’s his fault. He did this. And it’s true. Dean didn’t give Cas a chance but this is different and fuck, he can’t do this.

“Cas, look I know I can’t take back what I said. But I’m begging you. Please, Cas, just come back over. Come back over to me. Please, Cas.” his voice cracks and the first tear falls down his face.

Cas doesn’t respond. He just stares at Dean as if he’s looking right through him and all Dean can hear beside his own ragged breathing is the sound of the water rushing underneath the bridge. It’s deafening.

And then Cas’ eyes fill with so many different emotions that Dean can’t keep up but suddenly he’s turning and carefully pulling himself over the railing. Once Cas is far enough over, Dean rushes to him, yanking him away and they fall clumsily together to the ground against the inner railing of the bridge.

One of Dean’s hands grips Cas’ arm tightly and the other clutches onto the back of Cas shirt and he doesn’t ever want to let go again. Cas’ hands shakily move up to curl in the front of Dean’s own shirt and he nuzzles his head under Dean’s chin. Dean feels Cas take a deep breath and then he begins to cry.

Dean’s owns hands haven’t stopped shaking but he tries hard to still them enough so he can properly hold onto Cas body as it trembles all over. It’s then that Dean realises a few things.

First of all, Cas is awfully thin. Second of all, he absolutely stinks. And lastly, his clothes look like they haven’t been washed in over a month. Dean knows what this means but he doesn’t want it to be true.

Ten minutes pass and finally Cas’ seems to be calming down. Dean doesn’t even bother removing a hand from Cas to wipe the tears that have silently rolled down his own face.

There’s a few sniffles and then finally Cas speaks. 

“I couldn’t feel anything for about two months after they took you. I stayed at home all day. Barely ate. Just lay in my bed for what felt like forever.” Cas voice is soft, his head shifting, the hair’s tickling the underside of Dean’s jaw. “Then one day I finally snapped out of it. I packed some things and I left.”

Dean closes his eyes, wishing that he didn’t have to hear this. “I tried to get someone to help me - to help you - but...no one would dare go up against my mother. She had far too many resources. Far too many people on her side. And I just couldn’t do...anything. So, I skipped town and found myself a job.”

As he continues to talk Cas’ voice sounds more and more emotionless. As if he’s shed them all away and now there’s nothing left inside of him. It hurts Dean more than he would have thought. “It worked for a while. I was able to rent a small place and fend for myself.”

With one hand, Dean starts to brush his fingers soothingly up and down Cas’ back as he waits for the story to get worse. “But then...I fell so far into my own depression - my own self-loathing - that I couldn’t...I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was fired from my job and several others that I tried to keep. I mean, I could barely get myself up every morning let alone cooperate at work.”

Cas huffs and Dean doesn’t like the sound of it. “So then I couldn’t pay my rent or food or anything really. And then for the rest of it I lived under any shelter I could find.” So Dean was right. Cas was - still is - homeless. God, he wishes this wasn’t real.

“Then I saw in the local newspaper one day that you were getting out. So I got another job for the first time in so long and I rounded up enough money to get to Sioux Falls because I knew Bobby and Sam were there. I got there before you though and that’s when I ran into Sam.” 

Cas laughs. “At first I thought he was going to chop my head off. But then we talked and he found out about...well, everything. And before you left town he told me you’d be going to Nebraska. So I used the last of my money to get here. And I knew that this was it. My last chance.”

Dean’s heart clenches because he knows he fucked up. He didn’t give Cas a chance at all. 

“And here we are.” There’s a long pause but finally Cas speaks again and Dean nearly breaks. “I thought about you every single day since you were taken from me. I never forgot about you. Never. Because for a long time the only way to pass the time was to scrounge up some broken glass and - and...hack away at myself.”

Dean doesn’t cry, but he wants to. He wants to hold Cas in his arms and wish away all of the bad things that has ever happened to him. He wants to go back and give Cas a chance. But he can’t.

“But I guess I deserved it. Because you were right. It’s my fault you went to prison. And you didn’t deserve that. Not you.” Cas’ voice cracks and Dean can see the way he closes his eyes as if to hold in his tears.

“No, Cas. Don’t say that. I know I might have said some awful things to you, but I didn’t know. I didn’t know what you’d been through and I was just so angry at myself and you seemed like the right person to take it out on. But it wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could’ve done.” Dean breathes out in a shaky whisper.

“But why were you angry at yourself?” Cas voice is now a whisper too and his big blue eyes bore straight into Dean’s own.

“Because I still loved you - I still do love you - and I thought how could I possibly love someone who turned their back and forgot about me?” 

For some reason the blue in Cas’ eyes seems to shine brighter.

“I’ll never forget about you.” Cas whispers and Dean’s heart melts. 

A drop of water lands on Dean’s nose. But it’s not a tear.

Dean and Cas instinctively hold each other closer, as if doing so will hide them from what is to come. And in that moment Dean knows that if they hold onto each other for long enough, eventually the weather will clear and the sun will come out to shine. He knows that they can do it.

But for now, it rains.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


End file.
